Aniket, my elder brother was 16 and I was 10 when my parents suddenly left us alone and disappeared. I still remember the morning of 25h January 1985. I got up and saw Aniket sitting in one corner. When I looked around, there was no one else in the house. I searched each corner for my mom, wanted to hug her: that was how I started each day of my life, but didn’t find anyone. I ran to Aniket and asked him “Where are mom and papa? Where have they gone? Why didn’t mom wake me up? When will they return?”
To this he took me near him and told me “Ishu, they have gone, they are never going to return back. They have left us and gone somewhere out of our reach. Do you understand? They will never come back.”
I still remember the sadness as well as the anger in his eyes. He wanted to cry but he didn’t. At that point of time, I didn’t understand his behavior. I kept crying but Aniket never cried. Whenever I asked him about our parents, he replied but never referred to them as mom or papa. He behaved as if they were never his parents. My parents were never going to return.
On the eve of the 25th itself, two people: Ms D’souza and Mr. John had come to our house and told us, they were sent by our relatives. They came to take us. I started screaming, I didn’t want to go anywhere leaving my home but Aniket kept convincing me that we would be fine. Ms D’souza packed our bags and we left. I held Aniket’s hand tightly because he was my only family and I was scared. When we stepped out of the car, the first thing I noticed was the big board which said “Home for the Homeless”. But I had a home, why was I being taken there? Ms D’souza wanted me to stay with a few other girls in their room but I didn’t leave Aniket. I stayed with him.
Everyone was very nice there. We continued going to the school. I made many new friends. Aniket started smiling again. I was happy for him. His world revolved around me. He took immense care of me. Aniket got a job once he completed his studies. I was still in college. We shifted to a new apartment given by his company. We were very sad while leaving the orphanage. We promised Ms. D’souza, we would keep visiting her. When I was brought to the orphanage, I was crying because I didn’t want to enter that place. When I was leaving the same place, I was sad again. This is what is called irony of life.
We shifted to the new house. It was a beautiful house with a small garden outside. I completely loved it. Life had changed and it was beautiful. Aniket had fallen in love with a girl in his office and was planning to marry her. I was very happy for him. Preparations had begun. We went for shopping together, arranged for the reception party. There was so much to do. Once late night, Aniket and I were writing down the names of our friends who were to be invited for the reception.
I was missing mom and papa since a few days. I had always shared everything with Aniket. But it was quite a few years since we had spoken about our parents. He came near me and asked “Missing family?”
I never understood how he knew me so well. He always understood things which I never mentioned.
“Yes, I am missing mom and dad. If they were here today, they would have been so happy.”
“May be”, he replied
I was very angry at what he said. “What do you mean may be? Why do you always behave as if they don’t mean anything to you? They were our parents, Aniket. Just because they died it doesn’t mean….” And I stopped half way. Suddenly I realized that I didn’t know anything about my parents’ death.
I didn’t know anything. I was filled with emotions. I was angry on myself. How could I be such a bad daughter who never bothered to find out how her parents died? Tears rolled down my eyes.
“Ishu, you know why I never talk about them because I HATE them completely. I hate to call them my parents. I hate it. It was their decision to leave us alone in this world and go. You know Ishu, Mom and dad committed suicide. They were not capable of taking care of us. They were going through some problems and they decided to end their life. It was them who had sent Ms D’souza and Mr. John to take us to the orphanage. Everything was decided, Ishu, everything. They had decided to leave us alone in this cruel world. They could have killed us and taken us with them but they didn’t do that. They left us alone.”
I didn’t know how to react. I wished Aniket had never told me all this. I was happy when I was ignorant. But now he had already told me and I didn’t know what to say. I kept crying. Aniket hugged me and I don’t even remember how I went off to sleep. We never spoke about this again.
After 2 years of his marriage, Aniket’s wife delivered a cute little baby boy. The first time Aniket took the baby in his hands, he started crying like a baby himself. He was overwhelmed with happiness.
“Aniket, thank mom and papa that they didn’t take us with them. If they would have done that, we would have never got this cute little child in our life. I have never had complains with my life because you never allowed me to suffer for even a moment. You were always there. And I think mom and papa knew that you will be the most responsible person. They knew that you are strong enough to take care of yourself as well as me. Aniket, forgive them please.”
The baby smiled for the first time and his smile was a sign to start a new life and forget everything about the past. Aniket had finally forgiven my parents.
“Mom, papa….I am missing you”, Aniket said.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Samira---My Family
Just a few days ago, Samira saw the legal papers which I had tried to keep away from her since so many years. Samira is my daughter. I had adopted her from an orphanage in 1994. I had gathered a lot of courage before taking this decision. I got married in 1992. My husband Ramesh had to go to the USA for his job just after a few months of our marriage. He was supposed to come back to India within a year. But he had some different plans. After a few months he called me up and told me, he had fallen in love with an English girl and was planning to settle there. So I knew I had to start my life again with a new beginning. This was the main reason, I planned to adopt a child. I couldn’t trust anyone. And living alone was very difficult.
The first time I took Samira in my arms, it felt like heaven. I had never felt so good. She was just 6 months old then. I knew she will change my life. We both were absolutely alone and we needed each other. And that was the moment I had promised myself, I will give Samira all the happiness in life. Many of my family members did not approve my decision but I didn’t care. I was independent enough to take this decision.
Everything was perfect until Samira grew and started to understand things. She kept asking me “Mumma, where is my father?” I neither wanted to lie nor did I want to hide things from her. I kept avoiding this question of hers by telling her “Do you need anyone else when I am there.”
Innocent as she was, she used to get convinced with my answer. But I knew somewhere down the line my daughter was not happy with the answer. She kept talking about her friends’ family members. I knew she wanted to know about her existence and her family. When she was in her late teens she became all the more adamant to know about everything.
I planned to tell her everything on her birthday which was 15th September. But fate had its own way. One day I was not well and I asked her to get my medical file from my cupboard and there she found out the file of adoption. She didn’t tell me the same day about it. She took care of me until I was well. But I could sense that something was wrong with Samira. After I recovered, I asked her about why the glow on her face had disappeared.
She sat beside me and asked me about the orphanage I had brought her from. I was shocked but I knew the time had arrived when I had to tell her everything. I told her everything starting from my marriage till that particular day.
After hearing all this she asked me a simple question “So you adopted me because you needed me? And my real mother left me because she did not need me.”
I felt the sadness in her. I knew how horrible she was feeling. I knew what kind of a feeling was that because I had been through the same when my husband left me for someone else.
I held her hand but she was crying like a baby. She was my baby and I loved her. I tried to explain things to her but she didn’t listen. She locked herself in her room. I thought it would be right to leave her alone for a couple of days. 2 days later she came up to me and asked me “Why am I here? Because you pity me? Or because you need me?”
I went close to her and told her “Samira, I love you and I just can’t stay without you. I need you as much I need to breathe dear and this is true. I won’t disagree with the fact that when I came to the orphanage I needed someone and that was the reason I adopted you. But believe me, the first time I took you in my arms, I started loving you. When you were with me I did not feel the need of anyone not even my parents. Now it’s up to you to decide whether I was wrong, whether I used your life or whether I love you.”
“Mumma, I want to tell you something. When I came to know I was adopted, I didn’t bother to think about that, the first preference was your health. Your health was more important than knowing about my existence. And I have realized that it has not changed my love for you. I have started respecting you all the more. Only one thing, I really wish you had told me all this before me coming across the file. I think you didn’t trust me enough. For me important is the love we have for one another. I love you...I love you a lot.”
“Thanks dear...you are my family and I love you.”, I replied
“It’s better to have a loving family than to have no family at all”
“Adoption is not about finding children for families, it's about finding families for children”
Monday, July 6, 2009
Cost of Life...!
Can money buy someone’s life?? This question has been troubling me since the time I met that family in the hospital.
Today morning I went to City hospital. I had to handover some papers to Mohan. My husband Sameer is the financial advisor to Dr Mohan Mehta. Mohan has been like family to us more than my husband’s client. He is an awesome human being.
When I reached there, Mohan welcomed me with a broad smile. I handed over the papers to him, chatted for a little while and left.
While going downstairs I heard someone crying. When I walked towards the place, I saw a lady and there was a man besides her sitting helplessly. They seemed to be in their 40s. I could not stop myself from asking them about what the problem was.
I went near that lady and asked her “What is wrong?” She didn’t reply. I could understand that she was very depressed at that point of time and was in no mood of talking to anyone about what she was going through. But I wanted to help her if I could. So I tried asking again “Ma’am listen, I have a very dear friend working in this hospital. May be he could help. Please tell me what happened?”
Hearing this she immediately stood and looked at me with lots of hope in her eyes. She asked “Can you really help me?”
Frankly speaking I got a little scared with this question of hers because I was not sure whether Mohan would be able to help. I replied “I will try my level best”
She introduced herself as Meena and her husband as Mayur. She took me inside the ICU and I saw a girl lying on the bed.
Meena told me that girl was her daughter Raima.
Raima was studying 2nd year engineering. She met with an accident and had been in coma for almost ten days. After ten days, the doctors said “We will have to keep her on ventilator”.
Meena continued “All our savings are over. We have spent over lakhs of rupees in the last 3 months. Raima’s friends had also collected some money but that money could buy only one day of my daughter’s life. And now we are not able to afford the hospital charges. But once we stop paying money the ventilator will be removed and with that I will be taking away my daughter’s life too. She will die.”
I was shocked to hear this. How could such a young girl suffer from all this?
I had read about Ventilators in a newspaper. It is also known as Life Support System. It is a medical equipment that assists or replaces important bodily functions like breathing and so enables a patient to live who otherwise might not survive.
I called for Mohan. He joined us in a few minutes. When he saw Meena crying, he told her to calm down. He knew about their problem.
“Is there no way out of this problem, Mohan?” I asked.
On this he replied, “NO.” He turned towards Mayur and said, “I have already told you Mr. Mayur, your daughter died long back. The ventilator cannot bring back her life. You have kept her on the support system for more than three months now and you have yourself seen that there is no improvement.”
“I understand”, Mayur replied.
It was the first and the only thing that Mayur spoke.
Meena was annoyed with Mohan. “So Doctor, you think I should kill my daughter, don’t you? I should ask you to remove the ventilator and see my daughter die in front of my eyes.” she screamed.
Then she turned to me and said “You said he is a dear friend of yours and will be of my help. Tell me madam, what you would have done if you were in my place. Would you have removed the ventilator and allowed your loved one to die only because you don’t have the money to buy that person’s life?”
I didn’t have an answer....!!
This is a story but there will be many people who might be actually facing this. I sometimes think about this problem. In some cases, the doctors are pretty sure, that the patient will never get their life back. On the contrary, in some cases there is a little hope.
But keeping a patient on life support system is a costly affair. What if we are left with no money? What if we were in the same situation in which Meena was?
I still don’t have an answer...!!
Today morning I went to City hospital. I had to handover some papers to Mohan. My husband Sameer is the financial advisor to Dr Mohan Mehta. Mohan has been like family to us more than my husband’s client. He is an awesome human being.
When I reached there, Mohan welcomed me with a broad smile. I handed over the papers to him, chatted for a little while and left.
While going downstairs I heard someone crying. When I walked towards the place, I saw a lady and there was a man besides her sitting helplessly. They seemed to be in their 40s. I could not stop myself from asking them about what the problem was.
I went near that lady and asked her “What is wrong?” She didn’t reply. I could understand that she was very depressed at that point of time and was in no mood of talking to anyone about what she was going through. But I wanted to help her if I could. So I tried asking again “Ma’am listen, I have a very dear friend working in this hospital. May be he could help. Please tell me what happened?”
Hearing this she immediately stood and looked at me with lots of hope in her eyes. She asked “Can you really help me?”
Frankly speaking I got a little scared with this question of hers because I was not sure whether Mohan would be able to help. I replied “I will try my level best”
She introduced herself as Meena and her husband as Mayur. She took me inside the ICU and I saw a girl lying on the bed.
Meena told me that girl was her daughter Raima.
Raima was studying 2nd year engineering. She met with an accident and had been in coma for almost ten days. After ten days, the doctors said “We will have to keep her on ventilator”.
Meena continued “All our savings are over. We have spent over lakhs of rupees in the last 3 months. Raima’s friends had also collected some money but that money could buy only one day of my daughter’s life. And now we are not able to afford the hospital charges. But once we stop paying money the ventilator will be removed and with that I will be taking away my daughter’s life too. She will die.”
I was shocked to hear this. How could such a young girl suffer from all this?
I had read about Ventilators in a newspaper. It is also known as Life Support System. It is a medical equipment that assists or replaces important bodily functions like breathing and so enables a patient to live who otherwise might not survive.
I called for Mohan. He joined us in a few minutes. When he saw Meena crying, he told her to calm down. He knew about their problem.
“Is there no way out of this problem, Mohan?” I asked.
On this he replied, “NO.” He turned towards Mayur and said, “I have already told you Mr. Mayur, your daughter died long back. The ventilator cannot bring back her life. You have kept her on the support system for more than three months now and you have yourself seen that there is no improvement.”
“I understand”, Mayur replied.
It was the first and the only thing that Mayur spoke.
Meena was annoyed with Mohan. “So Doctor, you think I should kill my daughter, don’t you? I should ask you to remove the ventilator and see my daughter die in front of my eyes.” she screamed.
Then she turned to me and said “You said he is a dear friend of yours and will be of my help. Tell me madam, what you would have done if you were in my place. Would you have removed the ventilator and allowed your loved one to die only because you don’t have the money to buy that person’s life?”
I didn’t have an answer....!!
This is a story but there will be many people who might be actually facing this. I sometimes think about this problem. In some cases, the doctors are pretty sure, that the patient will never get their life back. On the contrary, in some cases there is a little hope.
But keeping a patient on life support system is a costly affair. What if we are left with no money? What if we were in the same situation in which Meena was?
I still don’t have an answer...!!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Unconditional Love
Why are you doing this to yourself? Please Raj, don’t drink so much. This is not going to solve your problems. What good is it going to do to either you or me? Raj, speak up something, I shouted.
You know Seema; I know very well that drinking is not going to help us. But I would like to tell you something my dear wife; it is you who is the reason behind all this.
I was shocked to hear that. Did he really blame me for everything? I fumed with anger.
What did you just say Raj, I am the reason behind the problems you are going through. Was it me who told you to trust your business partner? Was it me who was the reason behind the loss you suffered in business? You were foolish to take such decisions which not only spoiled your life but also mine. I would want to know Mr Raj where am I involved in all this?
Yes sure it was entirely my mistake. I was foolish enough to trust all the people in this world. But you know financial loss is not as bad as what you are doing to me right now. Suddenly our life has become yours and mine for you. You have changed dear, you have changed, he said and walked away.
I was lying on my bed that night alone. I started thinking about what Raj had said to me, had I really changed? My life till today flashed before my eyes.
I remember meeting Raj at a cousin’s marriage. He was a very well behaved person. My parents told me, he had his own family business. His father had expired the previous year and he had taken all the responsibilities in his hands. It was a typical arranged marriage but I fell in love with him the moment i saw him. I was only 22 when we married. I had just finished my graduation. Raj who was 26 was much more matured than I was.
He proved to be a very nice life partner. He always kept a superb balance between his business and family. Gave me all the things I wanted in life. The life he gave me was amazing. I could not ask for more.
He spread his business over more than ten cities in India. His success spread like fire. My life was perfect. I was a homemaker, never thought of becoming independent because of the only reason that Raj never made me feel that I was dependent on him. He just handed all the money to me and I had the freedom to spend it in any way I want.
Our life was perfect until the day when I got my medical reports. The reports said that I could never ever conceive in my life. My life turned upside down. I completely broke down. Raj took me to many psychiatrists but to no avail. Once Raj sat beside me and asked me “Say something Seema. At least talk to me. Please.”
“I m sorry Raj, I m extremely sorry. I can’t give you a child. I m sorry”, I replied
To this Raj told me, “Seema I don’t want anything in this world. Just give me my Seema back. That’s what I need.”
That day I realized how lucky I was to have Raj in my life. Everything was perfect again. Raj loved me in the same way he did before. Nothing at all had changed. Raj had not changed.
But life had its own ways to make us unhappy. Raj’s business partner had betrayed him. Raj who was so sincere towards his work had lost everything just because he had trust his partner blindly.
When he told me all this, I just blamed him for his foolishness of trusting people without even realizing what he was going through.
We sold all our valuable things and shifted to a small apartment. And there I kept nagging him about how I missed having all the luxuries of life. I was very selfish. I never thought of what Raj had faced. A loss and betrayal from a person he trusted so much.
Life had changed and yes I had changed. How could I forget all those days when Raj accepted me without a complaint? How could I forget the happiness he had given me all this while? Tears started rolling out of my eyes. I realized how wrong I was.
I went to Raj, stood in front of him. I wanted to apologize but was not getting the right words. I was merely crying and doing nothing else.
“Seema, I know what you want to tell me. It’s ok. Words are not the only way to express your feelings. I still love you Seema....” said Raj.
Someone has rightly said “Relationship is not about being with someone at their best; it’s about being with them at their worst”
You know Seema; I know very well that drinking is not going to help us. But I would like to tell you something my dear wife; it is you who is the reason behind all this.
I was shocked to hear that. Did he really blame me for everything? I fumed with anger.
What did you just say Raj, I am the reason behind the problems you are going through. Was it me who told you to trust your business partner? Was it me who was the reason behind the loss you suffered in business? You were foolish to take such decisions which not only spoiled your life but also mine. I would want to know Mr Raj where am I involved in all this?
Yes sure it was entirely my mistake. I was foolish enough to trust all the people in this world. But you know financial loss is not as bad as what you are doing to me right now. Suddenly our life has become yours and mine for you. You have changed dear, you have changed, he said and walked away.
I was lying on my bed that night alone. I started thinking about what Raj had said to me, had I really changed? My life till today flashed before my eyes.
I remember meeting Raj at a cousin’s marriage. He was a very well behaved person. My parents told me, he had his own family business. His father had expired the previous year and he had taken all the responsibilities in his hands. It was a typical arranged marriage but I fell in love with him the moment i saw him. I was only 22 when we married. I had just finished my graduation. Raj who was 26 was much more matured than I was.
He proved to be a very nice life partner. He always kept a superb balance between his business and family. Gave me all the things I wanted in life. The life he gave me was amazing. I could not ask for more.
He spread his business over more than ten cities in India. His success spread like fire. My life was perfect. I was a homemaker, never thought of becoming independent because of the only reason that Raj never made me feel that I was dependent on him. He just handed all the money to me and I had the freedom to spend it in any way I want.
Our life was perfect until the day when I got my medical reports. The reports said that I could never ever conceive in my life. My life turned upside down. I completely broke down. Raj took me to many psychiatrists but to no avail. Once Raj sat beside me and asked me “Say something Seema. At least talk to me. Please.”
“I m sorry Raj, I m extremely sorry. I can’t give you a child. I m sorry”, I replied
To this Raj told me, “Seema I don’t want anything in this world. Just give me my Seema back. That’s what I need.”
That day I realized how lucky I was to have Raj in my life. Everything was perfect again. Raj loved me in the same way he did before. Nothing at all had changed. Raj had not changed.
But life had its own ways to make us unhappy. Raj’s business partner had betrayed him. Raj who was so sincere towards his work had lost everything just because he had trust his partner blindly.
When he told me all this, I just blamed him for his foolishness of trusting people without even realizing what he was going through.
We sold all our valuable things and shifted to a small apartment. And there I kept nagging him about how I missed having all the luxuries of life. I was very selfish. I never thought of what Raj had faced. A loss and betrayal from a person he trusted so much.
Life had changed and yes I had changed. How could I forget all those days when Raj accepted me without a complaint? How could I forget the happiness he had given me all this while? Tears started rolling out of my eyes. I realized how wrong I was.
I went to Raj, stood in front of him. I wanted to apologize but was not getting the right words. I was merely crying and doing nothing else.
“Seema, I know what you want to tell me. It’s ok. Words are not the only way to express your feelings. I still love you Seema....” said Raj.
Someone has rightly said “Relationship is not about being with someone at their best; it’s about being with them at their worst”
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Unspoken Words..!
10th May
Seema….Please open the door!!, my mom shouted from the kitchen. I went to the door and guess who it was? Two of my mom’s friends: Sheela aunty and Meena aunty. I smiled and asked them 2 come in and informed my mom about their arrival. My mom was friends to them since college days. They were a group of five girls. I had always respected their friendship but there was only 1 small problem with them, once they started talking they wouldn’t stop for long. My mom would forget everything around her when she was with her friends. I brought water for them as per my mom’s instructions. They had come home today with a very different plan. These aunties had planned a trip to Kerala and they had come to ask my mom to join them. Now this was a difficult task. My mom never left her family alone. Come on Smita “Even we females need some time off from our lives”, one of her friends told my mom. I think they were pretty bored with their lives but my mom has never been bored of her family and doing things for her family. She refused to go anywhere as was expected out of her. They kept on arguing over this trip. Now it was high time they came to a conclusion but I know that wherever my mom is involved it takes time to conclude over discussions because it is very difficult to convince her. I was truly bored now. My dad who was sleeping in his room also got up and walked into the main room to know what the commotion all about was.
My dad ‘Mr. Narayan Iyer’ is a very calm person. He says the only reason he is living is to keep me and mom happy. I have still not understood how can the reason for your being alive is someone else.
When he got to know about why Sheela aunty was here he told my mom “I think you should go to Kerala. Even you should take some time off Smita. You don’t worry about me and Seema. We will take care of ourselves”. Hearing this, my mom smiled and readily agreed for the trip. I think my dad is the only person on planet earth with whom my mom doesn’t argue.
The trip was decided. Air tickets for the 22nd May arrived. My mom kept pestering me about how I should take care of the house when she is not here. “Mummy I am not a kid. I can do without you. Please it’s just a small trip”, I said. To this my mom just smiled and said ”You can do without me but I think it’s going to be difficult for me without you and dad. I will miss both of you.” “Even I will miss you Smita”, my dad replied from the main room. I never understood why my parents had to express feelings in words. Even I was going to miss my mom but I never said that. I am not a very expressive kind of person.
May 22nd at the Airport.
We were here to see my mom off to Kerala. She came to me hugged me and said “I love you dear. Take care.” I smiled back n said “Don’t worry”. She hugged my dad and left. While returning home my dad didn’t speak a word. I think he was already missing his wife.
May 22nd – June 2nd
It was pretty difficult without my mom. House was in a mess. But anyway I and dad tried our best to do how much we could. This was the first time I got a chance to spend some quality time with my dad. Usually I don’t talk much to my dad. My mom has always been there with us to make things simpler. Even if I needed anything I always told my dad through my mom. But now it was different. I had to talk to my dad directly. He was not a difficult person to be with. It was great being with him. He always made me feel very comfortable. He kept telling me how much he loved my mom and me.
Finally tomorrow my mom was returning. Dad and I were both very excited. But I think my dad was a little more excited than I was. He told me lets buy a gift for her. I was shocked and I asked him why a gift. It’s a way to tell her how much we missed her. I found it very funny but I still agreed. We brought a beautiful pair of diamond earrings for her.
June 3rd
We reached the airport and enquired about the flight. The flight was going to arrive at time i.e. 11.00 a.m. we reached there at 10.00 a.m. itself. I helped myself a Coke from the canteen and we were waiting. At around 10.30 there was an announcement “Mr. Narayan Iyer, if u are at the airport please report to the office.” Did they really mention Narayan Iyer??? If yes why?? There was no time to sit and analyze things. We rushed to the enquiry counter and we were directed towards the office. When we reached there, an officer asked us to wait. It was 10.55 now. “Mom will come any moment. Why are we here? Let’s go”, I said. My dad did not reply to this. We saw some stretcher coming in. When the stretcher came near we saw my mom lying on it and my mom’s friends coming in the room crying. I turned towards one of the aunties and screamed “What happened??” I started crying. Aunty ignored me and turned towards my dad.
“Narayan, she has suffered from a heart attack.” My dad did not reply. Sheela aunty screamed, ”Narayan, your wife is no more.” I was wishing no1 said that but that was the truth!!
My mom “Smita Iyer” died of a heart attack. She DIED. The officers helped my dad take her home. All my relatives were called. They were going to take my mom to the crematorium. I was screaming and shouting and crying. On the other hand my dad was very calm. He had not spoken anything since we heard the announcement at the airport. The last rituals were performed. I was surrounded by a hundred relatives. All of them consoling me. Why were they doing that? They didn’t know what I was going through. They had not lost their mom, I had!
My dad returned. At night when I and dad were sitting in his room, I went to him. Finally I got some time to sit beside him. I kept crying but he did not respond. “Dad why the hell are you not reacting? My mom has died. Your wife is no more, dad. Dint you have any feelings for her. Why are u not crying? Dint u ever feel for her?? Speak up!!
Finally he spoke: “Seema, no one will understand what I am going through.”
He kept his hand on my head and said “And beta, crying is not going to get her back. ”But atleast you can try to express what are you feeling at this point of time.”, I argued.
To this he said “Expressing is important when the person is alive. When that person is gone, expressing does not make any sense.”
He hugged me and said “Seema I love you child. Don’t worry; I will always be there with you.”
“I love you too, dad, I love you too”, I said.
This conversation with my dad changed my life.
Just one regret when my mom told me she loves me and will miss me before leaving for Kerala, why didn’t I tell her
”Mummy, I love you too..!!”
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Rameswari
What a voice?? When I hear her I forget all the problems of my life. Her voice makes the entire atmosphere divine. Her beauty reflects her nature…pure and divine” , These were some of the few things you always could hear after Rameswari’s show…
Rameswari was a very great classical singer. She was married to a very rich and famous businessman of the city. She had done her doctorate in classical music. She was a simple woman with a beautiful heart. People called her “the epitome of kindness”..
Those days I worked for ‘SARASWAT’ music academy. This academy arranged different music shows. They called great singers to perform. My job there was to talk with the artists and decide on the details of the show. I had spoken to many great singers.
Now came a chance to meet Rameswari.. Academy had planned to call her. It was the first time we were going to have her in our academy. We were all very excited specially me. The thought of meeting her in person made me immensely happy. I arranged an appointment with her..
She called me at her bungalow. I still remember the date. It was 5th May 1990. On the 4th I kept thinking about what will I wear..how would I start the conversation..how would I greet her??
I had met many people before but Rameswari was different. The day arrived. I was all set to meet her. My friends told “It is just sum professional talk. What is so exciting??”
They never understood what happiness I was going through.
I reached her bungalow. A maid opened the door. Greeted me with a smile, called me in. I could hear Rameswari doing her Riyaaz. Her voice made d entire place so pure. I wished she kept singing n I keep listening to her. After a few minutes she came to me. I touched her feet. She welcomed me with her very nice n pleasing smile.
I could not believe my eyes.. I was just a few steps away from RAMESWARI. She was so beautiful. She was so humble n kind..
I told her about myself, my academy n asked her to come and perform. She agreed. I knew she would agree. She never refused to anyone. There was no negativity in her. We decided the date.
15th May 1990.
I wanted to tell her so many things. I wanted to praise her. I wanted to tell her how great a singer she was, how kind and beautiful she was. But I wasn’t getting enough words which could describe her.
I could just tell her that “Madam, I am your great fan”.
To this she smiled and told me “dear, please call me didi” .
I felt so nice hearing this.
She told me she learned music from her father. Music was the only reason she lived. She said
“I live because I want to sing” ..
I asked her that why hadnt she launched her music. She could make her cassettes. There were so many people who loved to hear her.
On this she gave me a simple answer which had deep meaning.
She said “I don’t sing for money. When I m performing live I connect with each person who is listening to me. I sing so that people get peace in this busy city life. With my singing I make people mentally strong. “
I was so amazed to hear this. There are few people who live for others.. Rameswari was one of them.
When she was telling me this, her maid brought some tea for us. And she dint miss the chance to praise her didi. She said “didi ka gaana sunke to hum saare dukh dard bhul jaate hai” (hearing didi we forget all our sorrows n pains)
I left her home in a few minutes. I told her how happy I was to see her and talk to her. I dint feel like leaving that place but I had to. I knew after this I will never be able to talk to her so closely. I was sad about that.
May 15th arrived. The show was an amazing one. I met her once more. But this time we could not sit and talk. I thanked her for coming. She gave me her blessings. After that we dint meet for months together. I knew we would never meet now.
After a few days on the 20th July when I opened the newspaper I read something which I never expected to happen. The news said “RAMESWARI---THE GREAT CLASSICAL SINGER COMMITS SUICIDE”
I couldn’t read a word further. I missed a heartbeat. My mind stopped working. I could not think of anything. Her songs, her voice, her maid, her shows, her conversation with me..i could hear all these voices. Tears started coming from my eyes. I dint want to accept this bitter truth. I went for her funeral with a wish that she may get up and sing again. I dint want to believe this. When I saw her lying down helplessly I felt like ending my own life. How could Rameswari die???
Everyday in the newspaper, after her death, I read a new story about her suicide. Some papers said that, she committed suicide because of her unhappy married life. Some said that she was addicted to drugs. I knew this was all sheer nonsense.
Finally I got over her death and I decided to find out the reason of her suicide.
I went to her home. The same maid opened the door. The house seemed so sad. Each little thing in the house was missing her. No smile on the maid’s face. She took me in. Rameswari’s husband Mr. Sameer was sitting on the sofa staring at some papers. Her maid told him about me.
I didn’t know what to talk and how to start the conversation. Mr. Sameer asked me why was I there?
Words just came out from my mouth and I asked him “I want to know why Rameswari committed suicide”
He was stunned to hear this question. I pleaded and cried and told him to please tell me.
He handed a letter to me,
The letter was written by Rameswari
“Sameer, I have throat cancer. And because of this my voice is changing day by day.
My voice has been my identification all my life. The only purpose of my life is Music and my Singing.
The doctor asked me to be patient and relax. He said it will take time, but I will be cured but I don’t think so. I can’t live with a different voice and I know I will never get my original voice back.
My blessings and love to all. Be happy.. Spread peace and happiness in every little way you can.
Love,
Rameswari
Rameswari was a very great classical singer. She was married to a very rich and famous businessman of the city. She had done her doctorate in classical music. She was a simple woman with a beautiful heart. People called her “the epitome of kindness”..
Those days I worked for ‘SARASWAT’ music academy. This academy arranged different music shows. They called great singers to perform. My job there was to talk with the artists and decide on the details of the show. I had spoken to many great singers.
Now came a chance to meet Rameswari.. Academy had planned to call her. It was the first time we were going to have her in our academy. We were all very excited specially me. The thought of meeting her in person made me immensely happy. I arranged an appointment with her..
She called me at her bungalow. I still remember the date. It was 5th May 1990. On the 4th I kept thinking about what will I wear..how would I start the conversation..how would I greet her??
I had met many people before but Rameswari was different. The day arrived. I was all set to meet her. My friends told “It is just sum professional talk. What is so exciting??”
They never understood what happiness I was going through.
I reached her bungalow. A maid opened the door. Greeted me with a smile, called me in. I could hear Rameswari doing her Riyaaz. Her voice made d entire place so pure. I wished she kept singing n I keep listening to her. After a few minutes she came to me. I touched her feet. She welcomed me with her very nice n pleasing smile.
I could not believe my eyes.. I was just a few steps away from RAMESWARI. She was so beautiful. She was so humble n kind..
I told her about myself, my academy n asked her to come and perform. She agreed. I knew she would agree. She never refused to anyone. There was no negativity in her. We decided the date.
15th May 1990.
I wanted to tell her so many things. I wanted to praise her. I wanted to tell her how great a singer she was, how kind and beautiful she was. But I wasn’t getting enough words which could describe her.
I could just tell her that “Madam, I am your great fan”.
To this she smiled and told me “dear, please call me didi” .
I felt so nice hearing this.
She told me she learned music from her father. Music was the only reason she lived. She said
“I live because I want to sing” ..
I asked her that why hadnt she launched her music. She could make her cassettes. There were so many people who loved to hear her.
On this she gave me a simple answer which had deep meaning.
She said “I don’t sing for money. When I m performing live I connect with each person who is listening to me. I sing so that people get peace in this busy city life. With my singing I make people mentally strong. “
I was so amazed to hear this. There are few people who live for others.. Rameswari was one of them.
When she was telling me this, her maid brought some tea for us. And she dint miss the chance to praise her didi. She said “didi ka gaana sunke to hum saare dukh dard bhul jaate hai” (hearing didi we forget all our sorrows n pains)
I left her home in a few minutes. I told her how happy I was to see her and talk to her. I dint feel like leaving that place but I had to. I knew after this I will never be able to talk to her so closely. I was sad about that.
May 15th arrived. The show was an amazing one. I met her once more. But this time we could not sit and talk. I thanked her for coming. She gave me her blessings. After that we dint meet for months together. I knew we would never meet now.
After a few days on the 20th July when I opened the newspaper I read something which I never expected to happen. The news said “RAMESWARI---THE GREAT CLASSICAL SINGER COMMITS SUICIDE”
I couldn’t read a word further. I missed a heartbeat. My mind stopped working. I could not think of anything. Her songs, her voice, her maid, her shows, her conversation with me..i could hear all these voices. Tears started coming from my eyes. I dint want to accept this bitter truth. I went for her funeral with a wish that she may get up and sing again. I dint want to believe this. When I saw her lying down helplessly I felt like ending my own life. How could Rameswari die???
Everyday in the newspaper, after her death, I read a new story about her suicide. Some papers said that, she committed suicide because of her unhappy married life. Some said that she was addicted to drugs. I knew this was all sheer nonsense.
Finally I got over her death and I decided to find out the reason of her suicide.
I went to her home. The same maid opened the door. The house seemed so sad. Each little thing in the house was missing her. No smile on the maid’s face. She took me in. Rameswari’s husband Mr. Sameer was sitting on the sofa staring at some papers. Her maid told him about me.
I didn’t know what to talk and how to start the conversation. Mr. Sameer asked me why was I there?
Words just came out from my mouth and I asked him “I want to know why Rameswari committed suicide”
He was stunned to hear this question. I pleaded and cried and told him to please tell me.
He handed a letter to me,
The letter was written by Rameswari
“Sameer, I have throat cancer. And because of this my voice is changing day by day.
My voice has been my identification all my life. The only purpose of my life is Music and my Singing.
The doctor asked me to be patient and relax. He said it will take time, but I will be cured but I don’t think so. I can’t live with a different voice and I know I will never get my original voice back.
My blessings and love to all. Be happy.. Spread peace and happiness in every little way you can.
Love,
Rameswari
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